October 15

As many of you know, tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We are all asked to light a candle at 7:00 local time to remember our angels.

With tomorrow's approach, I've not only been thinking about my own losses more, but so many other things as well. Perhaps that's why I've been thinking about Maura's birth lately, too. Such a different experience, and yet equally profound in my life. I am so very, very grateful to have her in my life.

I've been thinking about my Sistas. Know that you are all in my heart and in my mind.

But I can't stop thinking about my mother and my sister. My mom gave birth to a little girl before me. At the birth, they discovered that she had Down's Syndrome. They didn't have the tests that we have now, so my mother didn't know about this during her pregnancy. They also didn't have the tests to determine how severe her condition was. I don't know what the doctors told my mom about life expectancy. My parents brought her home and loved her dearly.

When my sister was 8 1/2 months old, she got sick. She had bronchitis. She fought, but ultimately lost the battle. She died at the age of 9 months old.

I look at Maura, who's 7 1/2 months old now, and I think of my sister. (Maura was partly named after my sister) I can't imagine my mother's grief over losing her. I saw my mother's grief from a child's eyes, but now that I'm a mother, too, I just can't imagine. I can't imagine the pain. It would be unbearable. I break down at the mere thought of losing my daughter.

My mom was pregnant with me at the time of my sister's death, however she wasn't aware of it yet. I grew up knowing my sister in my heart. My mother told me all about her. She told me about how she'd tape her ears back, because they stuck out (the doctors told her to do it!). She told me how she'd smile at our older brother when he sang to her. She told me what a happy baby she was. She told me about the little white casket with silk and lace that she was buried in. Every year, we had cake for her birthday, and every year we went to church on the anniversary of her death.

My heart hurts for my mother.

So tomorrow, I honor my angels, my sistas, and my mother.