Memories

I don't know why, but lately my mind keeps wandering back to Maura's birth and the weeks following. I think that it was such an emotionally charged time that I couldn't process all of it then, so each time I revisit it, I process a little more.

I've already posted the birth story, so I won't make you all sit through that again. But there were so many things that I left out. I just don't think that I can remember every detail every time, you know? So much happened in such a short period of time. And I don't want to forget a second of that day.

Now when I think back to my experience in the hospital, I think about all of the waiting. We had to wait fro a room in L&D (It was a full moon that night!). We had to wait to see how my labor was progressing (it wasn't). We had to wait for the nurses to get the Pitocin drip started. But I remember thinking that I could wait forever as long as I could keep listening to Maura's heartbeat on the monitor. It was beautiful music.

I remember trying desperately to get a little sleep and being unable to. I remember the nurse rushing in to give me oxygen because Maura's heartrate had become stagnant (I think she was sleeping!) I remember watching the sunrise from my window that overlooked the Susquehanna River.

I remember Dh helping me in every way that he could. He helped me in and out of bed, to and from the bathroom, he even changed the pads on the bed everytime that I got up. He paced while we waited for the nurses and went out searching for them when I got uncomfortable.

From the birth, I remember concentrating on pushing. I remember feeling like I was watching this happen to someone else. To coin a popular phrase from a couple of years ago, it was Shock and Awe. I remember Dh telling me that she had a lot of hair. I remember her cry and her quivering lip. I remember seeing the biggest smile on dh's face that I've ever seen.

That night, I had the nursery take Maura, and I took something to help me sleep. I went to bed about 8 pm. I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Dh was home, as his parents arrived in town that afternoon. I missed having him by my side, but sleep was my first priority.

And I slept so soundly until about 4 am. Apparently, the nurses even came in to check vitals and my stitches, and I never woke up. But at 4 am, I came out of my fog and cried. I mean I bawled, sobbed, I really lost it. The enormity of my journey hit me all at once, the miscarriages, a healthy pregnancy, and now a daughter. A daughter! The nurse caught me crying (I prefer to cry alone). She brought me pain meds, juice, a snack, and my beautiful little girl. And I'm sure that she made a note in my chart about how emotional I was. I felt happy, sad, scared, and just plain overwhelmed by the previous year and a half, much less the events of that day.

I spent two days in the hospital after her birth. I remember learning how to bathe her, visiting with friends and family. I remember being able to make phone calls to everyone with a stored number on my cell phone, telling everyone the story over and over again.

My parents made it in town before we got discharged. We didn't leave the hospital until late in the afternoon because dh was working that day (at that hospital. Very convenient). We left in a snowstorm, so what would have normally taken us 20 minutes to get home, took us 45. I remember walking inside, watching dh carry the infant carrier, now filled with a new baby. I remember opening the first pack of diapers.

The next few days are all a blur, as I know that I didn't sleep much. But I remember my parents stepping in and taking care of both Maura and I. They made sure that I ate and showered every day. They even got us out of the house a couple of times. I remember crying everyday in the shower. I assume that it was hormones. To this day, I don't really know. But I'd come out of the shower looking worse than when I went in. I know that my parents worried about me.

Eventually, the crying episodes lessened, and I got used to having a baby around. I remember spending hours just staring at her. Everyday that I spent with her, I fell more deeply in love with her.

And now, I can't remember a day without her.