So Very Much to Update....
Ok, let's start with some simple updates:
Maura seems to be feeling better. She's breathing better and not requiring any suctioning or medication. The simple vaporizer is doing the trick.
So, we will be starting back to the sleep training tonight. She's crying herself to sleep during the day, now, too. She seems to be going through the "separation anxiety" phase. How long does this phase last, anyway?
Also, a fun story about our stay with the ILs. Maura spoke her first word--Mama. I'm sure that she was just saying the sounds and not actually relating the word to me, but the ILs are convinced that she means me. Anyway, I took a bit of pleasure out of her calling "Mama" every time that they walked away with her. Isn't that terrible of me??!!
Ok, now onto a self-hate vent.
I'm feeling really fat. I came back from my trip weighing heavier than when I left. It shouldn't surprise me. i visited the ILs, where you eat cannolis for breakfast. (Oh yeah, you read that right. And they're homemade!) Plus I'm retaining water thanks to AF. So I'm feeling fat. I'm completely discouraged, as I was working out regularly before our trip. I made a little progress, but not as much as I'd hoped. So I'm starting back to it Monday, and I'm starting the South Beach Diet as well. I just need to lose weight and feel better about myself.
One of the things that I'm nervous about is that my mom is coming to visit in a week and a half. She's always been critical of my weight (probably one of the reasons I'm overcritical), and she's completely against low-carb diets. It will be hard to succeed without her support while she's visiting.
But my biggest thought and fear on this one is how my self-image will effect Maura as she grows up. I don't want her to feel the same way about herself that I feel about myself. I want her to have self-love and self-worth. And I don't know how to teach her that since I can't seem to achieve it for myself.
I wrote an entry in a journal that I keep for her:
Today, you look in the mirror and see that beautiful baby, and you light up. You are simply delighted at what you see. I hope that in twenty years, you have the same reaction to the beauty that you see in the mirror.
How can I help her to always love herself inside and out?
posted by Christine at 9/17/2005 01:43:00 PM
5 Comments:
Oh Christine, I know just what you're saying, and I love, love, love that journal entry you wrote for Maura. Isabelle and I have had similar conversations about this sort of thing -- how can we make sure that Bella is a self-confident, self-assured young woman who loves herself? It's hard when we're so self-critical and self-conscious ourselves. Hopefully we'll find a way -- let me know if you think of anything! :)
(And incidentally, I happen to think you look great, but I know self-perception is always different. For what it's worth, when I just mentioned your entry to Isabelle and Gregg, Gregg's response was, "Christine?! Please, like she has any fat on her!")
Christine,
I just finished looking at Maura's new pictures of her on flickr, she is more beautiful every day and I don't know how that's possible because she was beautiful to begin with. (as are you, but self-perception is always different).
I, too, hope Maura will keep that feeling when looking in the mirror. (and I hope I'm around to get prom pictures!)
oh sweetie,
It's hard, isn't it?
I mean, your whole body completely changes.
I wish I had the money to hire a trainer like the stars to and completly transform my body, but I don't. Nor do I have the energy.
I too am having a 'i feel fat' time in my life right now.
The thing you can try to remember is this; you have a wonderful husband who loves you and your body, and your precious daughter thinks you are the most beautiful person in the world. She always will too!
Baby steps...do you, could you, belong to a gym? They could tell you what to do to work on the areas that bug you the most?
I for one think you are beautiful, but I know that that doesn't make you see yourself in any other way.
But, I mean it...
I know that it's hard to not listen to those self-hating voices inside, but you ARE a very beautiful woman. I struggle with that, too, and I worry about the example I will set for Margaret if I let it get to me too much.
So cool about Maura saying "Mama"! I know a couple times now I heard Margaret accidentally say it. Of course, I wouldn't dare think it was intentional...but it was cute. My sister had her going over the weekend, saying over and over again "Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma..." :)
one thing that is so hard is how you feel about yourself after having a child.. I think alot of new moms go through this. But what your body looks like now, it's all becasue of Maura.. don't hate it, because of it you have this beautiful, wonderful, sweet little girl. You cna get your body how you want it, and it takes time... not the whole "in the first year" the weight really does not come off until the second year... we love you Christine and you are beautiful no matter what. ((hugs))
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