I don't know what to say....

I'm honestly at a loss for words lately. I'm going through some emotional stuff here, and I guess that it's probably normal. But since this motherhood thing is new to me, I really don't know, and I'm feeling a bit crazy these days.

Tomorrow, Maura is going to be 6 months old.

I'm happy and sad and excited and freaked out and well, really confused. The idea of being her mother forever is really just starting to sink in. I think due to prolonged lack of sleep early on, I'm just catching up on what's happened the last few months.

Maura is really growing. She is obviously a little person now--not just a baby, and the enormity of it all is amazing and overwhelming. She's going to grow up and I'm her Mommy. She's going to come to me for advice and blow me off when I try to advise her. She's going to love to be around me and embarrassed to be seen with me. Someday, we're even going to have to have The Talk. (BTW, I'm still waiting to have The Talk with my mom. Can you say, "dysfunction?") She's going to grow up and have a first day of school (hopefully before The Talk). She's going to go out on dates, to dances at school, and someday go away to college.

I can't wait to watch her grow up. I can't wait to give her real food, watch her take her first steps, and fix her hair (hopefully she'll have hair someday!) in pigtails. I can't wait to get to know who she is. I hope that she's stubborn and assertive. I hope that she has a great sense of humor. I hope that she can find humor in everything that she experiences in life. I can't wait to hear her laugh at more than just a tickle or a funny face, but to find humor in a situation or a story. I hope that she has a kind heart and a sensitive soul. I can't wait to learn about her.

I'm sad that her babyhood is going by so quickly. I miss those night-time feedings when all the world was quiet and I'd sit in the dark breathing her sweet smell while she ate. I miss swaddling her and holding her like a little football. I'm sad every time that I have to pack away clothes that she's outgrown. But I'm excited about all that her future holds for her.

I've been having dreams about having another baby. I don't know if I'm trying to prepare myself for the next one or if I'm just missing her newborn-ness. I've been thinking a lot about my experience with her pregnancy and her birth, remembering things that I never wrote down because I never thought I'd forget them. But I feel like I'm starting to forget, and I'm desperately trying to remember exactly what it all felt like.

Ahh, there she is on the monitor, waking from her afternoon nap. What used to be a newborn squeak is now a full-fledged wail and will someday be a preteen squeal. My baby is turning six months old tomorrow, and her future is coming fast...