Blessed

Every now and then, something stirs it all up in me again. I can't pinpoint exactly what brought it up this time, but here I am.

Thinking back a year ago, two years ago, puts everything in perspective. So much has changed.

Two years ago, my dh and I had just moved into our first house. I remember dh turning to me one morning and saying, "why don't we try to have a baby??" I was shocked and so excited. We held a wonderful secret from the world! Everything was wonderful and new, the future held so much promise. Miscarriage was still something that only happened to "other people."

A year ago, I was just a few weeks pregnant with Maura. I was scared to death, living from ultrasound to ultrasound, symptom to symptom. I was so afraid to hope. I couldn't even say the word Baby. I remember every night going to bed as early as 7:00 clutching my stomach, worried that the cramps that I had been feeling didn't mean that I was losing another pregnancy. I remember spending my evenings in bed watching TV, but not really even watching. I remember the all-consuming f e a r.

And here I am today, sneaking a few minutes at the computer while my daughter sleeps soundly upstairs. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. Today, when I look at Maura, I experience all-consuming l o v e. I don't know why my path traveled the direction that it has. But I have to think that I appreciate what I have so much more than I might have otherwise. And I do appreciate every bit of my life and my family. I'm blessed.