The Past, Present and Future

One year ago today, I had my second miscarriage. I had found out, conclusively, the night before that I had a blighted ovum. My doc gave me three choices. I could have another D&C, I could wait for my body to figure it out on it's own, or I could induce a miscarriage with medication. Since I had carried my first pregnancy three weeks longer with a blighted ovum, and my body never seemed to figure it out, I didn't want to wait. I was worried about possible scar tissue from multiple D&Cs. So I decided to induce. A year ago today, I picked up the medication from the pharmacy, took a percocet, and braced myself.

It was physically so painful. I cramped and bled intensely for more than an hour before things started to taper off a bit. The percocet barely touched the pain at the beginning. I decided that it was just better to stay in the bathroom for this time.

After that hour or more passed (I really don't know how long I was in there. It felt like days.), I went into my bedroom and just collapsed on the bed. Thanks to the pain meds, I was in and out of a sleepy state all day. I just laid in bed watching TV and napping.

I remember dh coming home from work, and getting me up so that I could go downstairs to eat something. I was very groggy and exhausted. I went to bed shortly after dinner.

Emotionally, I was really beaten up. I'm not sure whether the experience of miscarriage is more painful physically or emotionally. By the time dh arrived home, I was emotionally numb. The percocet could numb the physical pain, but it didn't touch the emotional pain. I was raw.

I thought that I had cried all the tears that I had to cry after the first miscarriage. But there was so much more to come. The second miscarriage was so different. It meant something completely different. This time, I was not only losing a child, but it also brought into question my health, my fertility, my future. I was terrified of what the future held for us. I was terrified that I'd have to experience this loss over and over again.

So I am truly grateful that a year later, I find myself on the verge of Motherhood. It doesn't fill the hole in my heart left by my angels. I will never forget that pain. However, I think because of my past experiences, I've come to value this pregnancy so much more than I would have otherwise. I don't want to let go of this experience in my life. I hope that this will be as vivid a memory as my losses were.
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37 weeks, not far to go now! I'm physically pretty miserable. I can't sleep because I'm in constant pain in my hips and back. My ankles are swollen as are my fingers. I can no longer wear my rings. I've been having braxton hicks contractions all week, and I'm feeling something going on down in my cervix. It will be interesting to see if there are any changes at my appointment this week.

We took our tour of the birthing center at the hospital. It is a nice place. We got to see the NICU and the nursery. It was so amazing to see the little babies. Of course, I started crying. But I was happy to see that I wasn't the only woman in our group that was!

Today we had the car seat checked and reinstalled at a safety check point. I'm so glad that we went! It ended up taking two people to install it correctly, and one was a great big state trooper man!! I never could have gotten it that secure!!

So all continues to go well here. I will call Crista with any news, so check her blog if I haven't updated in a while.