An Old Friend

I've recently rekindled an old friendship. Well, I can't take any credit for it, actually. Last week, I received a phone message from my mom that an old friend from my high school days had called, and she gave me his number.

So I called him back. It was an awkward conversation, to say the least. Our friendship was very close, but very dysfunctional, and when we stopped talking, it was a very difficult time.

We both lived with very self-destructive behaviors. He was in an outwardly abusive home. He was a cutter and occasionally attempted suicide. I was the one that he ran to, and I was always there, compromising my own identity. I was very codependent, to coin an 80s term. I was also living in an abusive home, but the abuse was more subtle. I suffered emotional abuse and sexual harassment from a sibling, and I believed every bit of it. I felt that I was worth nothing in this world. But I lived this in secret. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I acted out by attempting suicide once, and I also struggled with an eating disorder.

My family started going to counseling, due to my sibling going into rehab. I don't think that the counseling helped anyone other than myself. The dysfunction still ran ramped in my home. But I suddenly realized that I didn't have to live my life as I was. I realized that I was sick, too. Well, I didn't admit to all of it at that exact time, but it was a start.

As a result, I told my friend, M, that I could no longer be the one that he called when he needed help. I told him that he needed professional help, and that I needed to separate myself from him so that I could also heal. Well, he took this very badly. I felt terrible. I remember grieving over the loss of this friendship for a long time.

For me, this was the beginning of a long process of learning, changing, and growing into a healthy adult. I cut myself off from many people who were feeding into the unhealthy habits in my life, especially my sibling. That was difficult to do, because my parents never acknowledged the abuse that was right under their noses, and they never helped me. They made me feel very guilty for shutting my then drug addicted sibling out of my life. I remember my mom telling me that I was "the worst sister in the world" and that "on here deathbed, her wish is that my brother and I can have a relationship."

But I kept working at it. I became very independent for the first time in my life. I learned to stand on my own two feet, and I learned that I was worth a lot. I grew so much in those months and years. I was a different person than before. I really don't know if I would recognize the high school girl that I once was.

So it was quite a shock that M would call me after 15 years! Our first conversation was a little awkward. But we've been emailing since. We both always felt more comfortable communicating through the written word! I guess some things never change! We've exchanged pictures of our families (Charm's u/s and his two boys and soon to be adopted daughter!). I asked him why he reached out after so long. His email has filled my heart with joy and my eyes with tears (yeah, that could be partially hormone induced, too!). He was looking back over his life, and he realized how much our friendship meant to him, and he wanted to say thank you.

I don't know the point of this story yet. I don't know why M has walked back into my life. But I am grateful for it. And it fills my heart to see that he is living a very happy life with a wonderful family.
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Have I mentioned that I'm having contractions?? Nothing regular, probably Braxton Hicks. But the doctor said that these will increase and eventually turn into real labor?? Yikes!! Is it normal to feel like I'm on a runaway train???