A day of thanks....

I thank you all for your comments on my last post. I can't tell you how much reading your words meant to me. I often wonder if I'm overreacting about things. I know that these hormones cause me to be completely irrational. So I appreciate that validation and warm sentiments. Many of you sent me to tears once again.

I had another breakdown yesterday. Dh is starting to really recognize the signs of my collapse, no matter how hard I try to hide them. I'm weird. When it comes to confrontation of an angry sort, I rarely shy away. However, when I'm hurt, or just need to have a good cry, I can hardly even bring myself to share that with my husband.

Anyway, we were getting ready for his entire family to come over for lunch yesterday. I was stoic, quiet. He asked if I was ok, and I lost it. I think that he finally realizes exactly where I stand, though. I think that he finally realizes that this isn't about a bunch of yarn or a piece of fabric made into blankets. It's about the meaning.

I try so hard to fit into dh's family. I try to learn the traditions. I've tried to learn the language. I listen to the millions of stories and explanations from his parents, aunts and uncles. I've asked friends, and even patients from Sicily to tell me about there home and traditions. I've tried to understand. I can't change who I am, and therefore there will always be a language barrier (I wanted to take Italian lessons, but their dialect is very different from the proper Italian language), and there will always be a cultural difference. I accept that. I accept them as they are. But so often I don't feel that I am accepted as I am. I feel like they'd rather try to change me or ignore my family's traditions, seeing that they aren't as important as their own. That's what her blanket says to me. That my blanket isn't good enough, so she's just going to buy what she considers the right one. I feel manipulated. And I hope to God that she doesn't do this to my child. Because I will not bite my tongue then.

And here I still sit, so concerned about hurting her feelings. What is wrong with me??? In my head I keep defending her. I'm worried that she'll be offended when the baby isn't wearing her blanket at the church. Everytime a holiday comes around I worry about whether she'll like the gift that we've bought her. WHY AM I SO FRIGGIN' CONCERNED???!!!! I've never been such a people pleaser!!!

In my family, when you get married and have children, you start your own family with your own rules and customs. This is what I'm used, and this is what I expect. I'm really looking forward to starting this new family and combining the traditions and cultures of the families that dh and I came from. So we will be a unique family, with our own rules and traditions. We will have what works for us. My parents totally respect that. I just can't understand why his don't.

And to make all of this so much worse, his parents are planning on moving here. They haven't decided if they will move near us (and I mean very near us), or near dh's brother (about 1 hour away), but my guess is that since we will have the first grandchild, they will be here. Dh doesn't understand why I am so adamant about setting rules right away. I can't deal with them on a day to day basis. I can't be the perfect Italian daughter. I am not returning to work, so that I can raise my children, not somebody else. I wouldn't want my parents to raise my children either! Nor would I want to live right down the street from my parents, and they are a lot less intrusive!

Of course, I want my children to have a great relationship with their grandparents. I want them to be close. I hope to set up a couple of days a week for all of us to be together. I just don't want his parents to decide to move here with the assumption that they will see their grandchild every single day. Because I just can't do that. I will lose it. Yeah, ok, maybe I already have lost it.

I needed that vent. Thank you for reading all of this if you've made it this far. And if any of you have any suggestions or ideas, or you just want to tell me that I'm selfish and overreacting, please do. I'm so overwhelmed with all of this and pregnancy hormones, too, that I can't even make sense of it right now.

I really wish that someone would write a book about how to marry into a Sicilian family. And if someone out there decides to based on this post, I don't want anything but a shout out in the dedication.

Oh, yeah, and I haven't even started on all of the Italian superstitions yet...