So complex...

there are so very many emotions running through my brain and my heart right now, that I haven't been able to even organize them enough to make a coherent post. I'm crying a lot these days. I know that some of it is hormone induced, but I don't want to minimize my true emotions by saying that hormones are entirely to blame.

I'm dealing with many things that I expected, such as anxiety about the birth, anxiety about parenting, breastfeeding, and so on. I've always been nervous about the unknown and about things that are out of my control. I'm not nervous about taking care of a baby, though. I used to be a nanny, so I'm pretty confident in my ability to take care of a child.

But there are other emotions that sneak up on me. This past weekend, my poor dh found me cleaning the bathroom and sobbing my eyes out. He should have just hugged me and not asked why I was crying. There were so many reasons, and no reason at the same time. But my wonderful husband took it all in stride. He wiped my tears for me (I was cleaning the toilet at the time), gave me a huge hug (yes, toilet brush and all), and made me a delicious lunch.

For whatever reason, I still can't seem to get these out on paper, these stealthy emotions. I guess that I need to just be prepared for an outburst at any time, huh?

It's got to be normal to act this way, right? I mean, we are entering into a life-changing experience, a sentinel event. We can prepare for some of it, but very little of it, really. And I don't know that you can really prepare emotionally at all.

So I will warn all of you, as I've warned dh (he really needed the warning before my breakdown Saturday!!), that I am an emotional wreck. I'm a mess. I make no excuses or apologies. And I imagine that I will be this way for a while.