It's not far below the surface....

Throughout this pregnancy, I've dealt with Fear. At the beginning, I fought her off on a minute to minute basis. After a while, she only reared her ugly head on occasion. But I still concentrated most of my efforts on dealing with Fear.

I haven't had to deal with Fear much lately. I'm happy to say that. I got to a point in this pregnancy a little while ago where I started to really enjoy this experience. I don't know exactly what day it was, but before I knew it, I was simply entertaining Joy for the first time in a long time. I have even started dreaming wonderful dreams again, and planning and wondering about this baby. There was a time that I wasn't sure that I'd ever be able to refer to this baby as a baby.

But I learned an interesting lesson today. Fear may be long gone, and Joy may be making herself very comfortable here, but Grief still lingers in the shadow somewhere. Grief is still there, even when we aren't aware of it, ready to make an appearance at any moment.

I hadn't thought about Grief in quite a while. She surfaced today. And even though I felt sad, it was very cleansing, too.

A "real world" friend of mine has recently suffered her second miscarriage. Twins this time. It was a missed miscarriage, resulting in a D&C at 12 weeks. Today was the first time that I've talked to her, as I didn't want to be "in her face" pregnant. I've sent her emails and such, letting her know that I was here for her. So she called today. And we cried together over our losses.

I've been thinking about it all day. Grief joined me on my errands. But I also felt that my angels were closer to me than ever today. They are never far from my heart, but today it was as if they were sitting in the car with me.

I hope that they know that Charm will never replace them. I hope that they are at peace. I know that they will be watching over us. Charm will be born with two guardian angels. What a lucky baby.