It's been a year....

A year ago this morning, I was nervous and excited as I prepared to go to my first prenatal appointment with my first pregnancy. My dh took the day off work, and the plan was to go to my appointment, and then drive the 3 hours to his parents house for the weekend, when we would tell them our news.

I was 9 1/2 weeks along, and feeling pretty good. I didn't have any nausea, but I was tired. I had the stuffy nose and bleeding gums stuff, but really nothing horrible. I was so grateful that I wasn't suffering from morning sickness.

The thought that this was anything but a perfect pregnancy never crossed my mind.

We started the ultrasound first thing. The ultrasound tech, and my dh (who is a radiologist) were both very quiet. After dressing and running down the hall to the bathroom, we met with the nurse practitioner who gave me the news.

There was nothing there. The gestational and yoke sacs were there, measuring only 6 weeks, but they didn't see a baby, and definitely no heartbeat.

I was stunned. I didn't cry. I couldn't comprehend what was happening. The nurse practitioner kept telling me that it was ok to cry, but I just couldn't.

We went over our options and decided to have the D&C as soon as possible. They were able to schedule me later that day.

Dh called his parents to give them the news: we weren't going to be making into town that day, we were pregnant, and we had miscarried. I called my mom, who knew that we were pregnant. She cried her eyes out.

Everyone at the hospital was so kind to me that day. I will always be grateful for that. I walked into the OR, fell asleep with the medication, and I woke up later in the Recovery Room. I woke up crying my eyes out. I wasn't in physical pain, but my heart ached. I was able to go home an hour later.

We left the next day for my In-Laws' house. They were sweet, but they obviously didn't know how to act around me. It was an awkward couple of days, but it was good to be away from home, too.

If that day hadn't happened, I probably wouldn't be pregnant today with Charm. Instead, I would be the new mother of a 4-5 month old. One cannot replace another in my heart, so I try not to think about the "what if's" that often.

From that day forward, I saw the world through different eyes. And I still do today. I don't take one moment of this pregnancy for granted. I don't take children for granted. I still feel sadness when I see babies and pregnant women, even though I'm one of them. I still feel sadness about future pregnancies. I still feel sadness.

That day started my journey, and I can't go back. I am who I am today partially because of this journey. In that, I'm grateful. I'm richer in spirit, fuller in faith, and a little wiser today.

But today marks a sad day, one that I will never forget. So I send out a prayer for my first little one (Speck). My angel is with me in my heart, and I pray the he will always protect his baby brother or sister, "Charm."