The other side of the stick...
I've been on both sides of the stick now. I know what it feels like to want to be pregnant so badly, and not be able to achieve it (a healthy pregnancy, that is.). I know what it feels like to resent every happy little pregnant woman that I see. I know what it's like to feel as if every other woman on the planet is pregnant except me.
And I know what it's like to, at least, be at the beginning of a healthy pregnancy (yes, I'm assuming now that this is a healthy pregnancy, which, as you know is a huge step for me.).
I have an acquaintance, here in the real world, who I bonded with during my time of pregnancy loss. She is infertile. She went through IVF several times in addition to many other fertility treatments, all unsuccessfully. I ran into her last week, and because we live in such a small town, she had already heard my news. She offered her congratulations and gave me a big hug, but I recognized something in her eyes. There was that hurt, that resentment. I couldn't really talk to her about it then because there were many other people around, and, well, I don't really know what I'd say. But it was there, I know that it was there.
It tore at me. I haven't been able to forget that look. I recognized it because I've had it, I've felt it. You all know the one--you put on a happy face because you should, and on one hand, you truly are happy. But there's that feeling in your gut, that gnawing pain that seems to be ever-present.
I hate that I was the cause of that look in her eyes. I hate that I might be the cause of that feeling for anyone. For that, I apologize.
posted by Christine at 9/16/2004 10:06:00 AM
3 Comments:
Its awful isn't it? Being the one that causes pain. I see it in my SIL's eyes on a regular basis. She's really excited about the baby, but I still know that under that is that look, that sadness that it is me and not her. I remember seeing my loss reflected in every big pregnant belly and now that mine is getting bigger I know I'll be that symbol of loss for many women. And yet, you can't help but be happy and hopeful that this baby will be the one you hold in your arms. The closer I get, the more it is all I want to talk about. The stick is one of the cruelest dividing lines ever.
Oh sweetie, it's too hard trying to please everybody. As long as you're happy, that's what matters most. Those of us who have gone through that pain understand that a pregnant lady is allowed to be happy about her fortune and she isn't intentionally inflicting pain with her presence. If you worry about what others feel about your pregnancy (while a noble cause and very empathetic), you'll never truly enjoy it.
I hear you! But don't apologize, you KNOW you don't need to apologize. (Yet I fully understand the feeling that you do...)
I'm in such a weird place right now, officially on the "other side" with you, but feeling like I have one foot firmly planted on each side, since everything is still so uncertain. Today, waiting (for that HOUR) in the Perinatal unit, it was so hard seeing at least 8 or 9 women with big pg bellies come in and out.
One of them struck up a conversation with me -- she's 5 months pg and was in for an u/s to find out the gender. She said she has two at home already (a boy and a girl) and this one will definitely be enough. She was really sweet, but I so had to paint on the happy face. She meant no harm, of course, but those words stung.
I am rambling...but what the others said is all so true. You (we) have nothing to apologize for, and I think we all have more happiness for those who have been there, who have felt the pain. It's all just so hard, no matter where you stand.
((((((hugs))))))
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