Not apologizing....
I don't know that I expressed myself as well as I'd like in yesterday's post. I know that my sistas out there wuv me, understand me, and support me in my pregnancy. I know that before I got pregnant, I saw a sistas BFP as a little victory for all of us.
Here in cyber-world, we're able to cut the crap, and get to what's important. But in the real world, it's not that simple. There are still appearances to uphold. There are still things about this subject that aren't really acceptable to talk about. For instance, when a sista here tells me that she's a little jealous, I completely understand, but imagine an acquaintance in the real world saying that. Awkward. (I'd probably do it anyway, I'm a blurter)
So, in our world here of openness and no-holds-barred conversations, I want to express my sorrow that I feel that I can't in the real world. I'm not sorry that I'm pregnant. I, in no way, feel guilty about it. But I am sorry that I can't take every single one of you and every single infertile or spontaneous aborter in the real world with me right now. I want you all on this side of the stick right now.
I really wish that the real world were more like our cyber world. I wish that we could speak as openly. I wish that those of us that have suffered pregnancy loss had a visible scar to match our emotional one, or some sort of marker, anyway. Then as we walk down the street, we will be able to recognize each other. It might have given me hope to see pregnant women with that mark. To know that they not only survived the pain, but that they've moved on to have a healthy pregnancy. It might have given me comfort to see that I wasn't suffering alone in the real world. And now, it would help others understand why I'm still so afraid about this pregnancy. It might give someone else hope.
But the real world doesn't work that way, does it. So, maybe, just like I spoke up when I first experienced my miscarriages, I need to speak up again. Maybe I should say something to this woman. Any ideas?
posted by Christine at 9/17/2004 09:46:00 AM
3 Comments:
I think what you are feeling is completely normal because you HAVE been there and you know how hard it is to see pregnant women. I wish everyone could be there too, but unfortunately for some reason everyone has their crap in life that they have to get through somehow and it really stinks!
As for what to say to this woman, I don't have much advice. I think what I wished my pregnant friends would have done for me is to just tell me they understand it is hard for me, and that if I need any space, that is fine. But they are always there if I needed or wanted to talk about it. Unfortunately not too many people actually said or did that! The worst thing you could do is to ignore her without her wanting that. I hated when people didn't include me or didn't tell me news just because they were worried I might be upset.
Wow. Really well said, Christine. And all so true.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I agree with what Lauren said. I think it all depends on how close you are with said friend, and what your communication is like in general. When my good friend from high school (who just had her baby a month ago) was pregnant and I had my second loss, I was really honest with her, told her I was happy for her, but it all just really sucked, in terms of how I felt and all. I knew I could say those things to her and she would understand. Maybe somehow letting your friend know the same would be a good thing, but I know it's not always easy "IRL" to say these things...maybe send her a card or e-mail instead, letting her know you're thinking of her? I dunno...but I do know I'm better able to express myself in writing than speaking, when I can really think it all through -- and edit as needed! :)
I have to agree with Lauren in that it helps to know other people out there understand the pain we're going through. That was the most comforting thing anyone did for me immediately after my m/c--they shared their own experiences, reinforcing the fact that I did not suffer alone. It would be easier if there was a way to tell at a glance those who have the same battle scars, so maybe speaking up and talking with your friend about this would not only ease your mind but help her as well. There really is no right or wrong answer...you just have to do whatever your heart tells you to do.
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