The tables turn...
The realtor that we are working with to find a house in PA just had a miscarriage two weeks ago. She mentioned it to me in the car at the beginning of our search last weekend. She didn't know about mine yet. She had asked me about this pregnancy, and I told her that we were cautiously optimistic since we've lost two in the past year. That's when she told me about hers.
I talked to her about it a little bit. I mentioned that I had found a great book and some wonderful support online. I had mentioned how one of the worst parts is feeling so alone. She agreed. She mentioned that she and one of her close friends are not seeing eye to eye right now because her friend is pregnant. J (my realtor) mentioned that she doesn't feel like comfortable going to the upcoming baby shower, and that her friend just doesn't understand. So we talked a little, and it was nice to feel like I might have helped.
But most of all it just felt awkward. I knew that I was one of those pregnant women that she just can't seem to get away from. I could almost feel her cringe everytime something came up about pregnancy or babies. I felt terribly guilty most of the time.
So I sent her an email just to let her know that I am thinking about her, and that I understand. She really opened up in her reply and asked for book recommendations. I want to help her. I want to be there for her the way that I so desperately wanted someone there for me. I think that it's part of my recovery, too.
So I pray for J. I pray that she gets the message that she is not alone. She just hasn't met so many of her Secret Sisters. We're out here. I pray that she finds healing and peace.
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I had another dream last night about bleeding. I haven't had one of these in weeks, so it really bothered me. I think I'm afraid of getting to the second trimester. I won't have those reassuring symptoms anymore, and yet, it will still be weeks before being able to feel movement. What will I have to reassure me that everything is ok?
We had decided against renting a Doppler, but now I'm having second thoughts. Maybe I could get one for just a couple of months until I start feeling movement. Any advice out there for me??
posted by Christine at 8/17/2004 07:46:00 AM
3 Comments:
Sendings some prayers out for J too. I know how devistating miscarriage is first hand and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I hope she finds some peace.
As for your peice of mind .. get a doppler for a few weeks if you think it will help you stay sane. A friend of mine said once I hear the heartbeat in the Drs. office she will send me hers that she bought (she is another of the sisterhood of miscarriage mamas and she has gone on to have 2 healthy children).
My prayers also go out to J that she finds both peace and hope.
To doppler or not to doppler? If you think it will help you stay sane and will not become something that you will obsess about, get one. If you think you're insane, like me, don't. =)
And don't worry ...all my sickness hasn't gone away in the second tri! There is hope that you may still be pukey and reassured.
Hey Christine.
I got goosebumps when I read this last night (have you noticed that my emotions make me get goosebumps a lot?) :) and my first thought was similar to Toni's -- you may just be giving J hope, and you are most definitely providing her with the support that we needed so badly (and still do). I'm willing to bet that she feels lucky to have "found" you in her life. Keep that in mind when the guilt creeps in. You know (on a logical level) that you have nothing to feel guilty about -- nothing at all.
As for the dreams and that god damned fear, I'm sorry both are creeping back in again. Will you be able to sneak in for an u/s once in a while still?? A doppler seems to be a mixed blessing since it can sometimes be really hard to detect the h/b even when it's beating strong, especially early on. I'm not sure what I'll do about that one...have you made any (second) decisions?
((hugs))
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