Are these mood swings??

One day, I'm up, the next, I'm down. I'm getting dizzy. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Yesterday, to my surprise, I actually started to become more confident that this pregnancy was going to stick! I started mentally decorating a nursery, picturing that little face with the same chubby cheeks that I had and Paul's curly dark hair, and picturing Paul holding our little one. For the first time during this pregnancy, I felt content (as I leaned over the toilet.)

Today, Fear crept back into my mind. I know that it's a defense mechanism. Fear was telling me not to get my hopes up, that the little beating heart that I saw last week may have already stopped, that this couldn't possibly end happily for me.

So, Contentment and Fear have been battling it out all day, and I think that they will continue to battle until I see the next ultrasound. I need something tangible to hold on to. Each time I see that beating heart, I hope that Fear will get a little weaker. And eventually, contentment, Hope, and Joy will get the better of him.
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You know, I had an interesting revelation the other day. In the TTC world, some of us have gotten our BFPs lately, but so many of my sistas are still waiting. It has caused much turmoil on one board that I'm on. In another group that I'm in, I often feel a little guilty for posting my day to day pregnancy stuff. One little stick can change everything.

But it really doesn't change who we are. I know how much it hurts to see pregnant women all around you. I still have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see a baby around the same age as my angel would be. All of those feelings are still so familiar and close to the surface.

It feels strange to be on this side of the stick. It's unfamiliar territory. I can't do this alone. I want all of my sistas here with me.

And just a last note. It truly breaks my heart everytime I see a sista get another BFN. If I could do anything, I would.