When Reality Hits

I spent all day after the ultrasound yesterday crying.  I didn't feel good about this.  I felt even more scared than before.  And that surprises me.  I really thought that I'd feel more calm and hopeful after seeing that little heartbeat.  I had decided that I would.
 
I think that over the past few weeks, I've stayed so detached from this pregnancy.  I've guarded myself against future tragedy.  It's as if, in my mind, being pregnant and having a baby were two different things (which has been the case up until now).  But when I saw that heartbeat, heard that ka-chunk-ka-chunk, well, it's all so really now.  I just cried as I heard it.  Tears started streaming down the sides of my face as I laid on the table.  There's really something in there.  There's really someone in there.  A whole little person.  My baby.  My dream.
 
Then a fast reminder that this is all so fragile with more spotting.  And now I'm more scared than I ever have been.  But I'm not scared for me this time.  I'm scared for my baby.
 
So I wait, nearly holding my breath, for the next ultrasound.  The next chance to see my baby, and find out that "Lucky Rocky Charm" is ok (I know, I really have to shorten that name!!).  I'm going to make it through this pregnancy, one ultrasound at a time.  One prayer at a time.  One heartbeat at a time.

Thank you to everyone who jumped in on the roll call.  I know that there are still a lot of lurkers out there, but that's ok, lurk away.  I enjoy *meeting* all of you!  And thank you for the wonderful, supportive comments yesterday.  I couldn't get through this without my "sisters."