I'm scared

I try to hold it together. I try to remember my faith. I try to find peace through prayer and logic whenever fear arises. Today, I'm failing.

I have to admit my fear. Maybe, if I acknowledge it's presence, it won't seem so bad. I'm scared. I'm scared that this pregnancy is ending right before me, without my even knowing it. I'm scared that I will never get to be pregnant beyond a couple of months.

My symptoms are different from before. My chest isn't as painful-it's sore and heavy, but not painful like it was a couple of days ago. I'm still tired, but I'm not sleeping as easily. This could be because there is so much on my mind, though. I am really bitchy, which is unusual for me, but it could just be from being overly tired. I'm just not feeling overwhelmingly pregnant like before.

I'm tempted to run to the store and buy every HPT to pee on that I can find. I want proof that I'm still pregnant, and proof that it's progressing well.

But I can't do that. And that wouldn't even be proof. Those lines would have gotten darker on my first two pregnancies, since both were missed miscarriages. No, I just have to hang in there for a couple more weeks. I just have to get through, hope, and pray that the ultrasound will give me good news.

The last week has creeped by so slowly. How will I ever make it through the next 18 days? It seems like forever.

Ok, I've acknowledged you, Fear. Now, go away and leave me alone.