5 Weeks, 4 Days

I haven't been nauseous since the other night. But I do feel awful. I seem to have caught a cold. I feel miserable. I'm all stuffed up and my throat is sore. I couldn't sleep well last night because I couldn't breathe. And I won't take anything. Well, Maybe I'll take a Tylenol tonight, but that's it. So I've got my Vick's Vap-o-Rub, and decaf mint tea. I have no appetite. I've been snacking on dry cereal and drinking lots of water.

I hate being sick.

Worst of all, it's worrying me. I know that the common cold probably won't cause a miscarriage. But I'm not noticing as many pregnancy symptoms. I'm trying hard to put my mind at ease. For instance, the trigger that set off the morning sickness the other day was the scent of the garbage can. Now, with my sinuses all clogged up, I can't really smell, so that eliminates that trigger, right? So that would explain why I haven't been nauseous? My boobs are still sore to the touch and swollen, so that's probably ok. I'm exhausted, but who wouldn't be after being up most of the night??

I even bought more sticks at the grocery store this morning. My husband would kill me if he knew! But I just wanted some reassurance that I'm still pregnant. Am I crazy? Maybe a little! (The line came is fast and dark, in case you were wondering! It came in faster and darker than the control!!) Still not completely reassured.

Did I mention that I'm emotional?

And that my thoughts are scattered? (You probably picked that up from the lack of organization of this post! Thanks for sticking with me if you've gotten this far!)

Oh, and I've caught myself detaching from this pregnancy. I wanted to get HPTs to prove to myself that my body was still pregnant. I've had two missed miscarriages. My body stayed pregnant, even though there was nothing growing inside of me. So I'm convinced that my body is still pregnant, but I don't know that I will believe that there is anything in there until that ultrasound. I've detached my heart from my body, and my mind is completely skeptical of it all. I feel like Pinnochio--my body parts are all held together by threads.

I need to snap out of this. I need to sleep.

Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry that this was such a downer. I want so badly to be one of those happy pregnant women, but it's just not happening. Not today, anyway. Maybe in 13 days...just maybe...