I'm tired.
First of all, thank you to everyone that has signed in below!! It's great to know that I'm not just sending this stuff out into space! If you haven't spoken up for the roll call, why not? Just give me a little wave so that I know that you are there! And keep the comments coming!
Ok, on to other things.
I'm tired of crying and feeling blue. I'm tired of feeling physically inadequate. I'm tired, and I want out of this situation! I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I look and feel like I've aged ten years since the first miscarriage in November. Stop the bus, I want to get off!! I don't want to grieve anymore! Oh wait, I don't have a choice, do I? I'm stuck on this carnival ride from Hell. I think that's crap. Oh, and yes, I AM a control freak!
I spoke to Mom today. I still don't think that she gets it, but she's going to read the book that I sent her "if she has time." Ugh! Well, it's in her hands now. I'm busy licking my own wounds.
My cousin just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Her due date was two weeks before my first on the 19th of this month. My miscarriage hit her hard. I'm very happy for her and her new family, but it is bittersweet for me, too.
Well, today I am 13 dpo, so Aunt Flo should be on her way to my house. The plan was to start trying again next cycle, but I'm hesitant. I really hope that we get those results back from the RE first. It will be a race between the results and ovulation. It may just come down to the wire on this one.
More than wanting to wait for the test results, I'm scared of being pregnant again. I really want to delay trying again. I always was a procrastinator! But I'm never going to have living children without getting pregnant first. It's just that the idea of being pregnant really scares me. To so many people, pregnancy means life, but to me it means death. And I'm scared that another loss is in my future.
At least this time, I'm going into this with open eyes. And I'm on my prenatals, so I can decide to "get back in the saddle again" at any moment. For now, as Aunt Flo is nearing my door, I'm going to enjoy wine and chocolate. Cheers!
posted by Christine at 6/06/2004 03:23:00 PM
2 Comments:
I know what you mean about being scared to be pregnant. But, hey, you'll have me to share that with!
I'm trying to give up my "control" (cause I don't have any control of this anyway) and just go with it. I'm really trying to give my faith to God. I don't think I have other options. If I didn't give it to God, I would be terrified to go on. =)
I like the new look of the blog. I'll be thinking of you on the 19th.
Deep breath!
I can understand how you are feeling all of the emotions that you are.
And you are right...you MUST be tired!
But, you know what? If you decide that it is time to snap out of the sadness, it won't be that you are not honoring your angels.
Your angels want you to move on a be happy. They want you to look forward to the birth of your child(ren)
You will always love and cherish your angels, and they will always be in your life.
I know its hard sometimes, well...a LOT of the time, but I think you can do it!
I pray you have had all the heart ache that comes with pregnancy, and you can go on to have a joyous pregnancy when the time comes.
I'm crossing my fingers you get the test results you need SOON!!
I'm praying for you!!
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