Confrontation--Didn't happen

So I called my mom on the way to work. I told her that I was angry, and that I would talk to her about it later. I just got off the phone with her, and, I don't know how she did it, but she managed to avoid the conversation. Or maybe I just chickened out.

But I did log onto Amazon.com earlier and order her a copy of the book that I mentioned a while ago: Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart. There are sections in the book that the authors suggest that you have your family read to help them understand the bevy of emotions involved in a miscarriage. I haven't shared that book with family yet, mostly because, for the most part, the people around me have been very supportive and great listeners. They've let me set the pace. But I realized that I haven't been talking with Mom about it. I mean really talking. I guess I've been avoiding that.

So, I guess we'll see what she thinks of the book.

Meanwhile, I need to get some things off my chest. When I was younger, and I had something to say to my parents, but I couldn't get it out (my parents have always been very difficult people to communicate with), I would write them a letter. Then I might decide to share it with them, but it was at least off my chest. So here goes:

Dear Mom,
I know that you don't understand what I'm going through. So let me explain. There is an emotional process of grieving after experiencing a miscarriage. I experienced losses, and I am grieving. These emotions are NOT subject to judgment by you or anyone else. These emotions are not positive or negative, but they are present and necessary to the process of healing.

Telling me yesterday that I was overreacting was judgmental and hurtful. And you said it not only to me, but also to my brother. At your request, he called me later in the day, so I got to rehash it all over again, and again hear how you think that I'm overreacting.

It is not your place to judge me. It is your place to support me. To comfort me. That is what I long for. I want you, my mother, to listen and support me.

I cry. That's a part of this process. I have breakdowns. As time goes on, these dark moments are spaced further apart, but they are still there and still strong. I still hurt.

You can't make it go away. You can't fix it. I need to feel all of the emotions involved in grieving. I want to heal, and this is the only way. I have to get through it, not avoid it. If I pretend, it will NOT go away. I need to do grieve, and if you can't handle letting me, then don't ask how I'm doing or what I'm up to.
________________________

Ok, I'm done. This was really personal, and I'm freaking out a bit that it will be on the web. But at least now, it is no longer in my head.

Thanks for reading