Bad news

There is a friend of ours that started trying to conceive her second child at the same time that we started trying to conceive our first. In the process of my two pregnancies and resulting miscarriages, she got pregnant. My dh didn't tell me at first.

He mentioned to me that she was pregnant one night a few weeks ago while we were watching TV. He said, "yeah, J's really starting to show" What?!!

There's this feeling that you get over this kind of news once you've had a miscarriage.

I was happy for her, on one hand. I also experienced this knot in the pit of my stomach and a bitter taste in my mouth. It was one of those emotional reactions that is so primal that you physically feel it. I just felt sick and angry.

I told myself that this reaction is normal, considering what I had recently been through.

Tonight, my dh tells me that our friend has just found out that there is something seriously wrong with her little one. She had an amnio, and the kareotyping did not turn out well at all. She and here husband are currently dealing with the decision of whether to continue or terminate the pregnancy. She is 19 weeks along.

I feel terrible. That God would ask anyone to make this decision breaks my heart. The pain that she and her husband must be going through. I just feel terrible.

And there I was with my bitterness. I feel terrible. I know that emotions aren't right or wrong, they just are. They are something that you experience, not deliberately decide to feel. But I wish that I hadn't experienced that bitterness.

And in a weird way, I feel lucky that I didn't have to make that decision. I'm feel lucky that God made that decision for me--He knew that my child wouldn't survive, so He took him/her for His own.