Secret Society of Sisters

I just finished watching the movie "The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood." I read the book years ago and loved it. This time it felt different somehow. It held much more meaning for me.

I, too, have found a secret sisterhood. One that no woman wants to join. Nor do we want any new members.

What I don't understand, is why it's such a secret.

Society doesn't accept miscarriage well. I guess they don't understand it, which I can relate to. I don't know that I'll ever be able to make sense of it all.

Some people think that a miscarriage is like an eraser. It erases the pregnancy. Like it never existed. I promise you that these pregnancies are forever engraved on my heart.

Some people think that miscarriage is simply a disappointment, a speedbump. My parents think this way. After the second miscarriage, they told me to look at the big picture. They said that years from now, when I have noisy children of my own running through the house, that this will all be nothing, just a blip on the screen. When you are experiencing a miscarriage, or the grief following one, it takes up the entire "screen."

I don't know what most people thing, though, because they don't talk.

I admire those who ask me questions. I admire those who can't understand because they've never experienced this, but they still ask questions and let me talk openly. I am surprised by who those people are. There aren't necessarily the people that you expect. Few are friends and family, many are acquaintances. One is a male co-worker!

Anyway, I've gotten off topic a bit.

After my first miscarriage, I learned that many women that I've known for a while have had miscarriages. They started coming out of the woodwork. I was so surprised. Why didn't I know about them before? I knew how many living children they had, and whether they were married or divorced, but I didn't know about the angels they held in their hearts. I guess the reason that I didn't know is that I didn't ask. I never talked about it or invited others to talk about it. I'm just like everyone else.

Why is this such a taboo subject? I realize that death of any kind makes people uncomfortable. It's not like I introduce myself in such a way, "Hi, I'm C and I've had two miscarriages. How about you?"

But there isn't even a place for us to go. There are support groups for everything else. And I've heard that support groups for miscarriage do exist somewhere. But why not everywhere? Why aren't they offered at every hospital or church? Why aren't doctors trained to give you information about the emotional recovery or grieving process following a miscarriage? Why isn't there a social worker or grief counselor on call at an Ob's office?

I have found such camaraderie, comfort, and support through message boards on the internet. I'm receiving more comfort from "strangers." These women, who have become my sisters, don't even have faces to me. I couldn't pick any of them out of a crowd. Yet, they are who I run to for support. I am so grateful for them. I honestly don't think that I could make it through this without them.

Out there in the real world, are my secret sisters. We come in all shapes, ages, colors, and classes. You can't tell who we are by a scar or a trait of any kind. And I send my love to them all.

To others that aren't a part of our sisterhood, a couple of things--I hope that you never understand what this is like. And please be kind to us. Ask us questions. Give us hugs. Give us time.