I hate my body

You know, I've said those words a million times throughout my life. My body never looked the way that I thought that it should.

This is different though.

My body, a woman's body, is supposed to be able to carry a pregnancy. For some reason, my body can't seem to be able to do that. I feel like my body has betrayed me.

And I have gained weight with each miscarriage. I'm at my heaviest. I worked so hard to get in great shape before my first pregnancy, and now it's gone.

But I have no desire to get back in shape. Why should I take care of my body when it hasn't taken care of me?

Mostly, I hide these feelings. I ignore them the best that I can. But it has gotten to the point where I don't enjoy myself anymore. I don't look good in clothes or out. I'm wearing my "fat" jeans again. I've lost my self-confidence. Is that because I'm a little heavier than I want to be, or because I feel like less of a woman? I don't know that answer. I'm even uncomfortable with my husband touching me. He touches my stomach, and I think about how it's pudgier than it used to be or how it is empty--no baby inside.

I hate my body right now, but I hate these feelings even more. I hate that these feelings are controlling my life. I hate feeling like my j*ack*ss body has beaten me. So I need to get control again. I need to win over this. I don't know how, exactly, but I need to do it. I guess that I might start by getting back to the gym. I'll show this body who is boss.

I hope that someday I can learn to respect and befriend my body again. But right now, I just feel fat and betrayed.