Feeling groovy...

I'm been feeling pretty good lately. I guess that's why I haven't posted in a while (sorry!). I definitely still have dark moments, and I think that's progress--that my sadness has been reduced to moments.

My dear husband and I are getting ready to go on a trip overseas. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm never been out of the country, and we can both use a nice, long, relaxing vacation. It has been a stressful few months for us both between the miscarriages and his job.

Anyway, our original plan was to start trying to conceive while we're on vacation. Well, we obviously jump-started that plan a little early.

I'm set on staying on hold for a while. I need time for my body and mind to heal. And I have an appointment with a specialist after we get back in town so that we can have some testing done. I'd like to rule out the possibility that there is something wrong with me that might be causing these miscarriages.

So, I brought up the subject of bringing contraception with us on our trip. Because, as luck would have it, it looks like I'll probably be ovulating during that time. Dear Husband replied with, "Why, don't you want to get pregnant?" I quickly responded with, "No, and we have already talked about this!" He didn't say another word. I don't think he wanted to open up that tearful can of worms again.

But I have to admit, that I've been thinking about it. I haven't admitted this to my husband yet, of course. And I guess that it's a good sign that I'm thinking about it. Maybe my heart is healing.

But there is the overwhelming presence of fear that is stopping me. It's the kind of fear that you feel in your bones. I get a knot in the pit of my stomach, like when you've had a near miss with another car on the road. It is a horrible feeling. I can stall until we see the doctor in May. But I know that I'm going to have to face this fear at some point.

I just doing want it to be on my trip.

Ok, I feel much better now that I've gotten that out. Back to feeling groovy...