Sunday

I thought about going to church today. I haven't been since January. On one hand, I really want to go and reconnect with my faith. On the other hand, I'm angry at God right now, and it's just too painful to deal with yet.

I don't understand why I've had two miscarriages. I don't understand why God will allow the most unfit people to get pregnant, carry to term, and then provide poor homes to innocent little children. I don't understand why He won't let us have a child, when it's all we want. We can provide a happy, healthy home for a child. We have so many empty rooms that long to be filled. I'm angry at God.

There I said it. I'm angry at God. I know, anger is a natural stage of the grieving process. But it's hard to say that I'm angry at God. I feel naughty. You aren't supposed to have feelings like this. You are supposed to trust Him and have faith that He knows what's best. By feeling angry, I feel like I am somehow doubting Him. And there's my loss in my faith.

It's still too soon. My most recent miscarriage was just two weeks ago. Maybe my feelings will be different in another two weeks. Maybe then I'll be ready to go back to church.