Grieving

I'm reading a book called Miscarriage:Women Sharing From Their Heart. It is really helping me make sense of some of the confusing emotions that go along with grieving a miscarriage. I have so many thoughts as I read this book, so I thought that I'd occasionally journal about them, or at least write down passages that are meaningful to me.

The quote that has become quite meaningful to me lately is: "...We look at our lives through a film of sorrow."
I don't know that I can explain it any better than that, but I have been feeling lately that I am just going through the motions in life. Some days more than others, of course, but especially if I'm involved in a social setting. A friend of mine who is also grieving two losses described it as feeling "empty." I guess that I hope that by going through the motions that at some point, meaning will return to the actions, and therefore return to my life.

I have felt for a long time that I am meant to have children. Now I wonder, when it seems that I can't have a healthy pregnancy, what meaning there is to my life. Of course, I still hope to have children someday, but for now, life feels empty. I've spent so much time and energy taking care of myself and our life so that we'll be ready for a child - so that I can carry a healthy pregnancy. I don't feel like taking care of myself anymore. What's the point? If there isn't a child in my future?

And again, in my head, I know that there is still a strong possibility that we will have children, but in my heart, I have fear and despair.

Ok, I've gone off topic. I do see so many things through a film of sorrow. When I see a pregnant woman, or think of a friend that is pregnant, part of me is happy for her, but a part of me holds this terrible sorrow. I haven't felt real joy since before the first miscarriage when my life was filled with such hope and warmth. I still have happy times in my life, but there is always a shadow. There is a breath of fear and heartbreak in every moment of happiness.

I pray that this will change - that someday the fog will lift. I know that the next positive pregnancy test will not be met with pure joy, but I pray that there will be hope there. And I pray that I will someday experience the pure joy of childbirth.

Oh, yes, I am back to praying. I still have times when I can't get past the anger, but I know that this is all a part of God's plan. And I trust His plan. I was reminded when I saw The Passion of Christ recently that God has also seen His child die. He knows my pain. I find comfort in that. I know that I am not alone.